When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry

For the ones who carry joy and grief at the same time.

A Personal Note

This year, every holiday has been hard.
Not in the busy, too-much-to-do kind of way, but in the quiet ache kind of way.

Because of my no contact, I haven’t spent any holiday this year with my relatives. And while I know deep down that the distance is necessary and even healthy… it still hurts. There’s a specific kind of grief that comes with celebrating without the people who were supposed to be your family. It’s a grief that’s hard to explain, because the outside world assumes that holidays are all about family, togetherness, and tradition.

The truth is:
Many people don’t see their relatives during the holidays, and many of them also carry another role: caregiver. They’re raising children while quietly wondering if their own parents — now aging — are safe. They might not have contact… but the worry lingers like a background track that never turns off.

This blog is for us, the unseen grievers. The ones who choose healing, even when it costs us a seat at the table. The ones redefining what “family,” “home,” and “holiday” truly mean.

The Myth of the Merry Season

Everywhere we look, commercials, storefronts, holiday cards, movies, the message is the same: “This is the season of joy, connection, and family.”

But what happens when it isn’t?

What happens when the season stirs up anxiety instead of comfort? When gathering would mean self-betrayal? When you’re raising your child while navigating your own grief, and trying not to let it spill onto them? There’s a unique pain to being in the sandwich generation with estrangement in the middle. While caring for your own child, you may also feel the sting of what they won’t have: the grandparents they don’t visit, the stories they won’t hear, the traditions that never had the chance to form.

But alongside that grief sits another one, the questions that never fully leave:

Are my parents okay?
Is someone checking on them?
Are they safe?
Would they tell me if something was wrong?

Estrangement may create distance, but caregiving instincts don’t always follow the same rules. And navigating that tension can be incredibly taxing on the nervous system, especially during the holidays.

Estrangement Is Not Just Distance — It’s Grief

Estrangement often comes with complicated layers:

• Relief that the chaos has stopped
• Sadness that things couldn’t be different
• Guilt for creating boundaries
• Worry that your aging parents may need help,  and you might never know
• Grief for what was… and what never will be

It’s not just cutting ties. It’s mourning the version of life you once hoped for, and the version you hoped your children would have, too.

And grief doesn’t wait patiently for January.  It shows up during dinners with empty seats, school concerts, old recipes, favorite carols, and traditions that no longer fit who we’ve become.

If You're in the Sandwich Generation, This Holiday

Please know this: parenting and grieving at the same time is heavy work. You hold space for a child’s joy, while also managing your own tenderness. You’re forced to create new traditions while mourning the absence of the old ones.

Here are a few gentle ideas if this season feels emotionally heavy:

Let the lingering thoughts have a safe place

Write them down somewhere, not to fix them, but to put them somewhere other than your mind. It might soften their volume.

Start one new tradition — just for your household

Not to erase the past, but to create something that belongs fully to the present moment.

Use simple truths with children

You don’t need a perfect explanation. You just need one rooted in safety and kindness.

Let grief and joy both exist

You don’t have to choose one emotion. They can sit side by side.

A Quiet Permission

You are allowed to:

• Protect your peace
• Let questions linger without needing answers
• Grieve what could have been
• Raise your child differently
• Care from afar, even without contact
• Start again, even if you’re starting small
  
  

Estrangement does not erase love. Caregiving does not always require closeness.
And the holidays do not define your worth. 

This season, may you find small moments that feel steady and safe. And if all you do is make it through, that counts too.

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