welcome to artful aging with amy where i ask caregivers and professionals the difficult questions that will give you
guidance on your life's journey support is only one conversation away and this is your first step let's go
[Music] good morning everyone i'm amy friesen welcome to artful aging with amy if you
have watched some of our other episodes you will see that many professionals and caregivers speak about caregiver burnout
unpaid caregiving also known as family caregiving is present in many families
all across the world caregivers are one of the hardest demographics to measure however either because many of them
don't feel like they're a caregiver or they're only doing this or they're only doing that or on the other hand frankly
who's actually asking them and who's seeking them out they're very very hard demographic to understand
one of the hardest things to do when you're a caregiver is to actually take time and care of yourself
there often doesn't feel like there is any time left at the end of your day when you're doing so much for others and
worse yet many feel guilty for actually scheduling and taking time for themselves unless it comes up to a good
reason such as i have a doctor's appointment i have some other appointment many people justify that is a good
reason but many caregivers don't just take the physical time to sit and relax
and do something for themselves a lot don't think that that's a good enough reason to take a break
unfortunately so on today's show i'm speaking with brenda verch she's a registered psychotherapist and she's
also a senior living advisor with my team at tea and toast brenda is someone who has always wanted to help others and
these two roles allow her to do just that brenda helps her clients discover what
is in their way and teaches them techniques how to positively make changes in their lives welcome brenda
thanks so much for joining me today hi amy thank you for having me perhaps
we could start today's conversation with you telling us what psychotherapy is and
how you can help individuals work through their mental health obstacles sure that sounds like a good place to
start so psychotherapy is a um
a therapy a counseling practice that is offered
usually in talk therapy only we our psychotherapists are trained to
help people in that way we have master's degrees and we use different techniques
as you said to help people find a a more positive outlook in their life
and we do that with with varying ways of coping mechanisms that we help people
discover often people know what um you know have
certain techniques that they use already but they just need a little help in perfecting them um
and we also help people to discover other ways of dealing with problems and
we help them to accept that life is difficult and
and that sometimes they need to be more compassionate with themselves as well and recognize that
they're not alone in this big world i find that what you're saying about being more compassionate too i find that a lot
of caregivers we work with at tnto specifically too they they don't leave that extra room for themselves and it's
just constantly going going going and there it's the guilt that takes over so there's nothing left for them to you
know want to take care of themselves more i find that you know a lot of people
are really burned out by the time they talk to us and i mean that's why i have you on today that's why we're talking about it because it's come up in so many
of our other episodes and it's just because it's an overwhelming epidemic almost eh
would you say absolutely yes absolutely yeah many people that they're stuck in
that role they uh feel isolated and alone they don't know where to turn who
to get how to get help and they're they're lost and a lot of them don't actually
know that that's what's going on they feel these symptoms but you know i'm just tired today or i'm
just x but they don't actually recognize that they're burnt out um i think that
we're probably uh more likely you know our team at tiantos you and i because we deal with it so often we're more apt to
see it i know when i burn out or when i am just getting to too much i i can feel
it and i can see it because i'm dealing with it all the time but most people you know they're not
paying attention to that all the time and that's not what they deal with every day and that's not what they do for work and so it's really hard for them to
recognize um what are some of the benefits that people often see when they start going to therapy
so when people come to therapy um it allows them to focus on themselves it takes them out of their
often if there's a relationship issue and sometimes you know with caregiver bruno it would be an example of that it
lets them really pay attention to what's going on with them
like you just said they we get caught up in this role and we don't um
we we're so the big picture is so much in focus that we miss what's happening in ourselves so
therapy allows people to focus on themselves it allows them to come up with mechan coping skills and techniques
to deal with their issues it allows them to um you know
give themselves a break back to self-compassion as well to recognize that they're not alone in this
world that it's and that it's okay to reach out and get help which is what therapy is as well it gives them you
know somebody to talk to a lot of the time and a lot of people don't have somebody to talk to absolutely from a professional's point
of view can you discuss with us what is caregiver burnout and what may lead to
it what are some things that you know we can look out for sure so caregiver burnout is a state of
physical mental emotional exhaustion that people experience after they've
gone through a period of extended unrelieved stress so they these are people who've been doing this for a long
time um and it can lead to
high like so something that can lead to caregiver burnout so high emotional demands
um conflicting demands everybody wants a piece of you you're not you know it's
not just your one person in your life a lot of times we have multiple people in our lives
making demands of us think of the sandwich generation uh somebody who has children and aging parents they all of
these they might have a job as well it all making demands on them um
change of role sometimes your parent who was once your caregiver
is now in need and you become their caregiver you're no longer a child to them you're
not it's a different role that you're taking on it's a different relationship you have with them and all that is very
stressful and and hard to figure out and process where what what is life all about now when all of a
sudden the person that you depended on depends on you so much there's so much
um work involved in caregiving but your increased workload can lead to caregiver
burnout lack of privacy right nobody thinks of that but all of a sudden if you have somebody living with
you in your home um who is there all the time your your space is uh no longer your
space you don't have that privacy that you once have and there's a lot of grief involved with it as well anticipatory
grief because things are different right what you it's
a loss caregiver somebody who's ill
it's a loss in your life and it then there's grief that comes with that that you have to process on top of everything
else that's going on and all of those things can just lead to burnout in somebody and not surprising
either that's a lot i absolutely um obviously agree with you but one of the
two of the things in my life that you just pointed out too is that you know i tend to notice
my drain more so when i specifically have so many people relying on me right
there's you know there's my daughter my husband my father-in-law is going to be moving in we have four animals even the
animals just constantly needing something from you and then to your point about privacy i can't get a square
inch in my house there's just no one around i mentioned in another episode that i could just you know sit in a
corner and just want my privacy but there's no point in doing that because all four animals and evo would be on my
lap right there's just no you know not even you know honestly not even privacy to go to the washroom you know within
three seconds someone's knocking on the door or scraping or barking or whatever and so it adds up quite substantially
and if it doesn't if it you know if you don't kind of address it or you know it just it'll just compile when you say it
just keeps kind of piling up and snowballing that's it exactly it's that unrelenting
demand on your time at unrelenting expectations of others that they have of
you and you can't get out of it there's no there's no way out you you're with eva right you're a mom you you can't
just send her out to the you know uh you know leave go away she's there
all the time she needs you and that's the same thing with somebody um if you have an aging parent staying with you
who has dementia you can't get away from that they're there all the time or they're
living by themselves and yet you're worrying about them all the time because they're not they shouldn't be living by
themselves anymore there's the need is there for you to take care of somebody absolutely and
it's it's a lot absolutely and there's so many people who misunderstand what
caregiver burnout yet many people are dealing with it or really on the brink
of it you know there's a lot of people just teetering on that edge and barely holding it together we definitely in what we do with tiantos
we see that a lot hey brenda you know people are just right there on the edge and they need some outside guidance so
there's a lot of misconceptions are there any specific misconceptions that you've come around that we uh that
you've come across that we can you know unhatch and you know let people know that this is not actually what it is
yeah so i think a lot of times that people feel when they take on a caregiving role that they can do it all
that it's not a big deal that you know they're it's not going to affect them as much
and it slowly builds up right and they get to the point where
they're overwhelmed and burned out and they don't even realize they're there yet so and then they start just making
excuses i'm just tired i'm not burned out and you know i i i just need a break
and they just don't they just don't see it because they're so caught up in it but
that fact that they can people really truly believe that they don't need help with things and that they can do it all by
themselves is a big misconception that yeah don't you know i don't need to ask
for help i don't need help or there's embarrassment right
and worry that what are people going to think of me um when you know people are just they're they're
gonna be okay with it most people are gonna say oh that's you know that really sucks and what can i do to help but
people are afraid to ask right for sure for help one of the you know one of the main
reasons for doing artful aging is to show the our audience show people that
we're all living similar lives you know we have you know different day-to-day but we all struggle with very similar
thing especially in the caregivers in the generation in the sandwich generation it's very similar it feels
very individual and i know that again a lot of people that talk to us on the daily as caregivers um think that
they're you know what they're dealing with is super unique and you know it is to a certain extent
but when you agree that when people come to us you know they often fit into one of our buckets because there's a lot of
people dealing with the same stuff and it's you know it's a problem-solving bucket right it's like okay this is what's happening this is how we're going
to look at it this is what's happening okay we'll look at it on that don't you find that generally people are very much
more similar than they actually think they are oh absolutely right in the big picture
um the problems are probably all the same we all have unique issues that we're dealing with not everybody's going
to have the same housing situation not everybody's going to have the same budget for toast for instance we're looking for housing not everyone is
going to have the same illness uh the same support systems but in the really the big picture it is
the problems are all the same absolutely that the fact that it's it's we all get overwhelmed in that situation
we all feel similar things and you know and so it's
it's there we all have that in our lives yes we should we share it
absolutely are there any factors that would put one individual at risk more
than another brenda so i think that in the um in the world
of caregiving there are certain people who fall into that role more than others
right and i think as women we are um more so
whether it be by just the way our household is set up
but as a society our culture right we're the caregivers in this in in our society
and so i think that's a bit of a um risk factor there just being female
right that the fact that it's an expectation just on you to do it yourself
um and that and we might not want to do that right we might not be the best person for that role but we're given
that role just because we're female and we're women and so we have lack of choice sometimes
in being in that role and that can add to that can be a risk factor for caregiver burnout um so other things are
the you know the financial difficulties obviously finances can certainly add to
caregiver stress social isolation and not having the support of others
living with the person you care for can um you know the more you see them the more
you're around them can certainly add to the higher level of burnout um
and uh lack of coping skills if you don't if you don't have that actual underlying ability to take care
of yourself and to recognize there's if there are issues um and that you have difficulty solving problems when they
come up you don't have the help and that's certainly going to be a risk factor for somebody getting and having
more caregiver burnout than someone else absolutely and i can even you know it
really hit home when you're saying about how like societal norms have been that caregivers are generally female not to
leave the guys out but generally we're just talking about and what's interesting and hip for me is that i
myself am not a typical caregiver i'm obviously you know a woman and this is
we i have a child and i have you know my parents and things like that that we're caring for and i care for them
but i find very difficult for me versus some of my um associates or friends or
whatnot who are in the same situation because you know there's a lot of caregivers that you know a lot of moms
that are like i want to be a mom and i've wanted to be a mom all my life and this is what they've been like working
at and things like that whereas that's not really been my you know position and so although i obviously love eva and i
love being a mom it's hard to move into that role when i feel like i don't quite belong there
because you know i'm really good at running my business and doing different things and there's a lot of business
owners that i hope are listening to that probably feel very similar and i've come across them
in my you know networking meetings and business meetings especially when eva was really young and i said you know
i don't know what to do here this is way out of my scope this is not you know i haven't been training for this right
like this is not what i was looking at and a lot of them actually said to me that they were in very
similar circumstances and it was kind of like this like hush hush crowd that it was like not really spoken
about it was a really eye-opening experience and a little bit weird because there's a lot of
caregivers like me that you know we're caregivers we'll do it we'll get the job done and you know and obviously we love
the people we're caregiving for but it's not the role that i envisioned for myself so there's a lot of inner
conflict have you seen that with any of your folks like the inner conflict of i have to do it but i'm not really
equipped to do it or don't feel like i'm equipped to do it kind of like a a round peg in a square hole situation
yeah yeah no absolutely i think that um
again back to societal norms right wanting to be a mother it's not something that no that's for everybody
um we all make choices in our lives and sometimes we end up in situations that
we we didn't we had different expectations about um and that's okay
right i think it is important then to accept how you feel and recognize that
that's how you feel and that's okay to feel that way um you don't have and it's not anybody
else you know they're what anyone else thinks doesn't matter we can only control what we control in
our lives our thoughts our feelings our actions and
it's you know that that's that's where self-compassion comes in right to recognize that that's how you feel and
that's that's all right to feel that way and that others just like you said other
people feel the same way too you're not alone in this situation just like caregivers are alone in their situation
in the you know in the burnout situation in the situation just of maybe not even wanting to be there you're not alone
absolutely and and it's a time where we um we put our head down and we get
through it right and i think it's really interesting with with kids um and with
eva that there are different stages right and she's still very young
it could come a time where you're like i love having a 10 year old right i love
it this is the best sage ever and maybe you'll be one of those strange people who like having a teenager
right you know what and that was it actually came up too like when i've had multiple conversations
because i run a business i tend to run in different types of groups right lots of business owners and whatnot and
that's what they said you know the young years weren't for me i hit my stride at this age or i hit myself at that age and
i can even tell a huge difference eva's four and as she becomes more independent
it gets a little bit less weird a little less stressful and not you know it's still stressful but it it lightens the
load a bit because i oh i'm also super independent and so
because she's starting to be more independent she's not clinging to me like all of the animals like everybody
in the house it's not not as much and so it's starting to lighten up a little bit um and that having that conversation
with those other business owners literally when i was pregnant still really made a difference to me because
then i knew that it wasn't so alone that yeah and not everybody loves infant
tattoo or inf whatever right lots of people do and lots of people don't like the teenage years but i might just like like
you said i might just be that person that you know when we hit 10 we might be really good to go or whatnot because
you know i just want to teach her so many things and i want to show her so many things and it's hard when she's so
little but we're getting there yeah yeah exactly so you take each day as it
comes and and you do what you need to do and and it'll get you a day where you're it'll it'll
get easier it it does right with independence with independence
comes very much so um eases it up a bit but
you're a caregiver it will never not be a worry as well right and that's something to
recognize and accept that there will always be there you'll always be a caregiver even when
she's an adult absolutely never goes away it just changes yeah for sure well i will see i know
that you have um your kids are a little bit older than mine so you've definitely speaking from experience but you know
we'll see how everybody develops differently too and relationships develop differently so
you kind of like you said one day at a time just do what you got to do and you know and try to develop it as best you can
even yesterday we were out um for lunch and it was such a nice outing because
you know a lot of us have been locked down for covid for so long that we don't do anything and i realized that the fact
of being inside or you know in my surroundings for the last two years not doing anything puts
more of a strain than you think it does because you're stuck in the same four walls with everybody you know doing
everything in the same spot and you forget that you know there's fun that
can be had to do other things and not until i got out there and i was like oh yeah you know i hadn't been out with a
four-year-old the last time i'd really been out was with a two-year-old and it's a completely different scenario
yes so it was it was interesting to see absolutely and covet has done that as
well right it is isolated people um so there's a huge risk factor that we
didn't talk about is cobit itself over the last two years yeah that's so isolating for people
yeah for sure if someone thinks that they're experiencing burnout what could they look for as some signs and symptoms we
talked about risk factors but you know are there any specific signs and symptoms that we can keep an eye out for
sure sure so uh lots of warning signs for it and um again it's it's being
aware of who you are and watching for these so uh your energy level are you were you
are you starting to feel a lot more fatigue and exhaustion um [Music]
are you getting sick more right your immune system goes down yeah you pick up everything that's out there
and that you know you know you gotta watch for that you know me personally too and it's like
i've been sick non-stop not covered just i'm sick right now i've got allergies that have gone awry on me right that's
right and and they're exasperated when you're all of a sudden you're more tired your
energy levels down and then boom everything that comes up even allergies are greater than they normally are so
something to watch for sleep problems right symptoms from um caregiver burnout
you could all of a sudden uh be all of that exhaustion and being tired
but you can't sleep you try to sleep or you're you wake up at two in the morning and you're awake
for three hours your mind is just going you're thinking about everything that you have to do everything you didn't get
done you're worried about the the person that you're caregiving for and you just
so you're you're having trouble sleeping um start to feel maybe frustrated
uh annoyed with the person you're caring for a little bit angry you're more impatient you're irritable argumentative
so things to watch for right if you normally were a patient person think you know things slid off your back and now
all of a sudden you're just tense all the time and clenching your jaw or you watch for
those body symptoms right for anxiety because you're gonna feel them in your body um
feeling overwhelmed difficulty concentrating and staying focused just can't get anything done you
seem to be you know making lists all the time and yet you're just not following them um so
that that's definitely feeling helpless and hopeless lost alone isolated
possibly even depression mood swings um withdrawal so when we get overwhelmed we get
frustrated and we shut down so we withdraw we stop accepting uh invitations from friends to
go out um we don't call people anymore we stop responding to
um you know text messages it's just too much to tell people what's going on
um we start to feel really negative all the time you know we don't we can't think of anything good
in life anymore it's just all all bad stuff going on and the you know an extreme
something that nobody ever wants to get to but we might even start to neglect or abuse the person that we're caring for
um and that would be that would be unfortunate but it does happen as well
that's and that would be a big red flag a big symptom that you're you're burned out if you you can't even
be around the person that you're trying to take care of so yeah lots of warning signs that you
can look for yeah my uh my name is written on most of those so and i mean we that's why we're
doing the show too right it's like that's kind of where i've been in my life right and i think you know all things just it just
rolls right they just kind of one thing at another and something i wanted to bring up as well is that you know a lot
of people like myself are trying to take care of themselves we're trying to do it we're trying to do our
workouts in the morning we're trying to do meditation or walks or something but you know even this morning i got through
my walk and then i didn't have anything left to do a 20-minute workout because it's just like
i can't i can't fit in today i'm exhausted my allergies like it's you know whatever and it's and i even you
know make myself feel guilty because it's like i should be able to do this i'm trying to care for myself but what
i've been trying to be more gentle on is that maybe we care for ourselves in a
different way maybe it looks different maybe it can't be a physical workout right now maybe it
has to be meditation or yoga or something different or maybe just needs to be
healthy eating as much as possible or taking a break it doesn't have to look the same but i know that i give myself a
little bit of guf when i can't quite fit the workout because i'm trying to improve my life
but you're exhausted right yeah yeah yeah no
exactly right you have to know yourself and i come back again to self-compassion with all of this is is recognizing when
you just can't do it some days um and i know you amy i know you have high
high expectations of yourself you have high expectations of others and
when those expectations don't get met it's really tough to deal with that right so
recognizing that and saying to yourself you know i'm gonna do this today instead just like you said i'm just going to
meditate right now because that 20 minute workout is going to kill me so i need maybe just a gentle stretching
yeah maybe just some um i know you do tapping um maybe just that instead refocus
grounding is just as important as a physical workout sometimes
because sorry if we're going to do a physical workout and not be ready for it
we can end up hurting ourselves physically that's it and everybody talk when you you know start exercise
programs and things like that everybody's like you'll feel so much more energy when you're done and it's like some days but most times i'm just
like getting through it to get it done that doesn't mean i actually feel more energy afterwards it just means that i feel
better that i got something in but it sucks the energy right because you're using it in that and it doesn't
replenish very quickly especially at this time right so
um maybe we could talk about prevention tips what can we share with our audience
brenda to help them prevent burnout but more so lessen its effects because i
feel like everybody's going who are caregivers tend to go towards
burnout so i don't know if we can prevent that but i think maybe you know maybe some tips to help lessen it
yeah and i think you've already hit the nail on the head with a lot of them um the self-care right eat well exercise
get enough sleep continue to meet your health care needs so go to those appointments when you
need to go for a regular checkup don't don't put them off just because you have to do take somebody else to their
appointments all really important to continue to do don't stop doing those
continue to do what you enjoy don't give everything up you might have to give something up it won't all fit in but
don't give everything up you still deserve uh to do stuff just for you so
you have a hobby a sport a leisure activity if you can get out to play baseball once a week because that's what
you love doing in the summer do it and so keep that um
ask for help right don't um stay connected with family and friends stay and if there's
support groups you can join join those groups so get don't be isolated right
don't let yourself get isolated that's really important uh treat yourself sometimes
sometimes it's nice to to do a little day away at a spa um something special what you like you know
if you've been putting off getting your hair done because you just can't fit that two-hour appointment in and you don't like all the in my case all the
gray that's showing up go get your hair done right it's two hours
you'll love it it'll be it'll be a treat for you um remember to breathe
right sometimes we just get so caught up with run run run run we forget just to breathe and taking a breath
can just relax us and i'm talking about just a deep
breath right into your gut and expanding that stomach out and and doing that and
if you have to look up special breathing techniques that are really simple that you can just
fall back on to do you can do that as well so breathing is really really something that can help focus you help
bring you down if you're getting too caught up in everything um
you might try to plan your week a little better uh sometimes we get you know we get up on monday morning without a goal
without a plan for the week and then we're just we're just you know we hit the ground running with no focus
um so bring a little more planning into your life uh whether it be using your phone to uh write lists on there or if
you do like to do it on paper by an organizer or have whatever works for you
make lists write things down it's not it's not a you shouldn't be ashamed to have to uh put it on paper we
otherwise we tend to forget things so make a list make make a plan
also um if you're looking after older people specifically this is something respite care
you might need to get help from somebody somebody to come into your own home to offer respite or what if you want to get
away there's you can we can use retirement homes in our community to
help people have short-term stays so that gives you a break even if you're not getting away what if you just need
two weeks at home to do your spring cleaning or something who knows or doing nothing for two weeks
that's okay it's okay to look for help look for respite care um and then there's also somebody like me
sometimes you need someone else to talk to and you don't have anybody to talk to um
i a psychotherapist can listen without judgment um and just give you someone to get it
off your shoulders get it off your you know you've been thinking about this you've been worrying about it you don't have anybody to talk to about it so
family's not listening uh they give you all kinds of advice but so that's not what you want
sometimes you just need to talk to somebody and a therapist is a good person to do that to take up that role
so so there's lots of things you can do and final the final one again back to self-compassion
acknowledging that what you're going through is really really tough it's not easy it's hard to be a caregiver um try
to give yourself a break to be kind to yourself remember that others are going through the same thing you're not in
this alone focus on what you can control try to
not focus all the time on what you can't control take it one day at a time and sometimes
gratitude is important too looking for something to be grateful for it might be just that you had five minutes to
um have a sip of coffee that morning it might be the beautiful sunshine that we have today
something to find some gratefulness in your day is really important for sure and really
great tips the two that stood out for me specifically is probably because we work with seniors as well is that i think
respite care is mandatory i don't i think that it should be built in to a
care plan especially if your loved ones live with you because people
it's that space thing as well it's a constant care as a space and respite you know in my opinion should be utilized
more often for that and then the other thing about talking with someone like yourself brenda is that you know
whether you do or don't have a family that'll listen i mean even just this morning i said to mike i was having a problem and he wanted to know so i was
telling him and he started just like being a problem solver i'm like i don't need you to solve this i just need you to listen to me because you asked me
about it i'm telling you and then i'll deal with it and that's really you know more valuable just that somebody hears
you to understand that you're dealing with it right um brenda before we wrap up today can
you let our audience know how they would get a hold of you um yes so you can uh
i think the best way to get a hold of me is uh online i have a website um oh my
gosh brendovirchcounseling.com i think is what it is i haven't looked at it in a while uh is is probably the easiest way
to find me you can also send me an email my counseling email is bl merch um so
verge being bias and victor erch gmail.com as well so both ways you can
you can find me perfect well thank you so much brenda for joining me today i really appreciate it and thank you for
all of the nuggets you've given especially you know there's lots of stuff i can take from that too so thank you so very much
well i i really enjoyed it amy thank you for having me and i look forward to uh
to us working together for a very long time me as well me as well so i if you
found value from today's show with speaking with brenda and i uh please make sure to share with your networks
help other families and other caregivers find artful aging with amy reach out to
brenda if you need a little bit of extra support remember support is only one conversation away i really appreciate
you joining us on our placing with amy from me to all of you i hope you have a wonderful wednesday
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