[0:00] Welcome to Artful aging with your host Amy are you a senior or caregiver of a senior looking for support and Direction best-selling author educator and expert in Senior Living Amy Friesen is here.
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[0:32] Good morning everyone I'm Amy Friesen and this is Artful aging with Amy we're live from bull Brave TV.
As many of you have seen there were a lot of divorces during covid and as someone who has gone through a divorce I know that most aren't pretty.
But what if you are a senior and want to continue your life without your significant other.
There have been there has been a rise and what has been coined gray divorce,
Forbes sites the one read that one of the reasons for divorce over 50 is that with 50% of.
People in midlife today looking to live past 85.
The prospect of putting up with someone for an additional 30 plus years has become less palatable.
[1:17] My first guess is Tanya Parker Wallace she is an accredited mediator and a collaborative family lawyer
Tennessee spouses and parents increasingly use meditation or meditation mediation probably a little meditation as well I knew I was going to do that mediation
as
Resolve their family law disputes as they are generally faster less expensive and results are more creative more creative solutions for the family than litigation welcome tan you thanks so much for joining me today.
Thanks so much for having me.
[1:52] I knew I was going to say meditation because I was focusing on it it's a common thing it happens all the time I have to spell check really carefully so I've done that a couple times.
Oh dear well maybe we could start taking you by talking about the rise and grade divorce what are you seeing with your.
[2:11] Well just
in terms of actually if we could just go back to sort of what grade divorce means the meaning of it has shifted somewhat
because what it used to mean was people getting divorced after being married for 30 35 40 years but now we commonly use the term to mean what happens when older adults are getting divorced
the baby boomer generation no matter how long they've been married because at that age the circumstances are more complicated
there's there's definitely a rise I like you said they don't keep stats in Canada but certainly anecdotally many family lawyers are seeing a rise in the number of mature folks who are getting divorced,
the reason why that might occur I think is is it's pretty common for people to simply just drift apart
once they become empty nesters there's much less stigma around the idea of divorce now
whether you know whether that's good or bad there's less shame around it and people are feeling much more comfortable with the idea of divorcing and people are also living longer
there's a life expectancy in Canada it's increased about 20 years for both men and women and there's more time to start new adventures and find happiness if someone's not
experiencing that in their current relationship.
[3:35] Someone who has been recently are not recently anymore as previously been divorced I can tell you the thought of spending that extra time of my life that was something that crossed my mind as I do I want to spend.
50 60 years with this person no not really let's get let's get let's get done with this so I can see that more and more people are kind of going towards that as they age,
is rising
that is you know there's lots of people picking up new hobbies and picking up new things that they want to do and growing apart that way so I can definitely see that happening more often.
What are the uses for divorce of this type I'm sorry did you say complications I think it.
[4:17] Yeah what are the complications for divorces of this type.
I the mean complications are Financial based and property based in Ontario married couples are expected to equally split,
whatever they've accumulated together during their marriage and so what this might look like on a,
a practical sense will differ from couple to couple but on paper mathematically what we're doing is we're actually equalizing people's net value,
and so when you're looking at older couples or people who have been in a long-term marriage particularly if a couple is wealthy there's
so many more assets and debts that have to be sorted through and divided record-keeping is a challenge I it would be difficult for anyone to remember what they own 25 years ago
what kind of car you drove what was in your bank account so record-keeping as a challenge,
the sorting out of who owns wet sometimes is difficult as the years go by.
[5:20] The second complication is that there are usually other considerations at play so perhaps this is someone's second marriage,
and maybe there are some kids who are still in University from a previous relationship that are still being supported maybe someone is providing
Port financial support to a former spouse and so there's that means that there's much less ability for someone to provide for a subsequent spouse or family in that separation so they're just may not be as many assets to go around.
And I think the last major complication is just figuring out how two people are now going to move into retirement with after splitting their wealth in half.
The dollars don't stretches far into households as they would have in one so it's really key to have strong financial planning in place.
[6:15] For sure I can see that happening to When you're counting on.
You know the Dual income or the Dual pension or the Dual whatever the savings and then all of a sudden you know it's a little bit.
Of a trade-off for your freedom right like it's like that's what I had to look at two when I got divorced right side.
[6:33] Freedom is super important so if that's if that is what you want to do and that is you know what's fueling you then.
Kind of got to get your head down and just get through it right and then try to sort things out the best you can because a lot of people.
Kind of get stuck in that we love well I shouldn't because of this or shouldn't because of that but really their heart's not in it anymore and that to me is is just as devastating it's devastating mentally and different things like that right so yes it could be complicated.
But that you know would you agree that that's not a reason not to look at it if you're you know if you're wanting to leave it's just more of a reason to you know talk to professionals when you say.
Absolutely exactly talking to professionals is key many different kinds of professionals have to be involved I would think,
it's good to have lawyers involved to do some planning on like a prenuptial agreement or a habitation agreement it's important to have a financial planner in place it's important to make sure that your estate plan lines up,
it's whatever your goals are for retirement and you have to consider what might happen in the event of a separation or a death.
[7:39] Yeah for sure Daniel what are some of the misconceptions about getting divorced later in life.
[7:45] I would say that a lot of them are more sort of psychological emotional based
um you know if for many people it particularly if they have adult children
you know their children might assume that this is a midlife crisis or that it's some sort of a phase and that
you know people are they're going to regret the decision later on but really what comes across my desk honestly is you know people who have been living on Happily unfortunately for a very long time
some of them have just been waiting for the kids to graduate from high school University move out of the house become independent and then they want to make decisions for themselves and and figure out what's right for them.
[8:32] Um some people wait to have the financial wherewithal to to make that decision and to be on their own so that that goes into play as well.
The second misconception is that there's an assumption that you're going to forfeit your retirement if you divorce late in life.
Um I know I spoke before about dividing assets and there might not be as much money to go around but again with some careful planning it can definitely happen and they're certainly not an expectation that a former spouse is going to have to continue working
well beyond retirement in order to support another spouse the courts generally recognize that people are allowed to retire so.
[9:16] That should be something that is less of a consideration.
[9:20] Excellent excellent if someone in our audience was looking at the possibility of divorce what are some of the dispute resolution methods available to them kind of advantages and benefits of each.
[9:34] Yeah there are many many options when people think of divorce they usually immediately think of court.
Um and that doesn't have to be the case whatsoever there there are certain cases that probably do need to be litigated and probably do need to have a judge weigh-in but the vast majority don't and so
there are options available that take place outside of the court process one of them is collaborative family law.
[10:02] It's not something that I do it's a method where both parties are represented by lawyers,
and together the parties and the lawyers have a series of joint meetings to discuss and come to agreement on all of the issues that you know are wrapped up in a separation so both parties are getting their legal advice,
but everyone has the same common goal of getting the matter settled without having to go to court and the other great.
I guess focus of this method is that you can bring other professionals to the table to negotiate with you such as,
you know a social worker or a psychotherapist might be on hand to help deal with some of the emotional pieces,
your adult children might be involved and have to sort of work through that emotionally as well you can hire a financial planner to come to the table and they would essentially be hired by both parties to try and come up,
that sort of financial plan so that both parties are walking away on an even footing and everyone is comfortable for retirement so there are a lot of options there.
[11:08] Another method that works is is mediation and it's a method whereby the couple who separating meets with a neutral party,
who helps them discuss and work through all of the issues that need to be decided for the separation they're not giving legal advice they're just being a sounding board helping the challenge assumptions blockages and communication Etc
so that's another method that works really well.
[11:34] I'm really you know I would say that the mediation to just get the keep the ball rolling as a lot well we do with our clients just in speaking about you know making a move right
not divorced but just move into a retirement home is they just keeping the ball going and keeping the conversation going and when you're talking about
each side having a lawyer to have this conversation before you talked about mediation,
I also would find that valuable because then you know I could be talking with my ex,
and we could be thinking something was legal or something could do you know we could do something one way but then we'd have the support of having a lawyer to be like no you can't do that or I guess you can't do that so that you don't go off too far off a track right,
yeah I would find that really beneficial well
I have one more question for you before our times up we have a short time together but could you give the seniors in the adult children and our audience some prevention tips on what they could do to set themselves up for all around six life success as it pertains to legal issues
maybe in their second or third marriage as well like just general advice I think for prevention.
Absolutely I'm the number one General tip I would have particularly I think for women who are going through this is to do what you can to be financially self-sufficient.
[12:48] Be aware of the family finances as much as possible have your own income stream have separate bank accounts,
um hire a financial planner and sort of work
with them and explain what your goals are for your retirement and consider how that would work if you didn't have a spouse or if you separate it or if someone passed away.
[13:10] In terms of more proactive planning at the beginning of a relationship it's really important to have there were you can have a well drafted cohabitation agreement or marriage.
It's known as a prenuptial agreement in the States but it's the same concept you can use it to protect your assets that you've accumulated in a prior relationship that you may not want to share with your spouse in the separation.
[13:35] It's the way that you what did you call it again that the premier what is it called again it's a marriage contract and cohabitation your carried a prenuptial,
yeah the cohabit cohabitation agreement sounds much more friendly than a prenup everybody's bringing up stuck in their head so let's not let's get rid of that word yeah I agree well.
Dear Daniel we're already at the end of our time thank you so much for coming on and talking about gray divorce and everything that surrounds that I really appreciate hearing your side thanks so much thank you.
[14:10] Up next on Artful aging with Amy we're going to be speaking with Elizabeth who's a lead trainer in intergenerational mediation for the Ontario Association for a family mediations you don't want to meet Miss This.
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[14:52] Welcome back thanks so much for joining us again Elizabeth Starrett is here with us and she worked with families to help them understand and defuse conflict the issues of Aging.
But then families May create conflict that calls upon the assistance of professionals who are.
[15:09] To assist family members resolve their conflict and maintain their family ties welcome Elizabeth thanks so much for joining us today thank you very much Amy it's a pleasure to be here.
Happy to have you we were just speaking with Tanzania about gray divorce now we're going to move a little bit further into mediation and Elder mediation.
Family seek out Elder Care mediation for many reasons including care and living arrangements like I was saying before I see it all the time there's definitely a use and so helpful to have someone kind of being able to,
talk between parties so everybody's on the same page as much as possible so.
Elizabeth what are some of the issues that you see come up regularly with families especially those that have seen your parents.
[15:52] Well first of all Amy I think you you're really correct and saying that it's very very helpful to have a third party that impartial person who can help people have communication that
restores the relationship within the family so we see all kinds of issues that come up first one being family communication,
people in the family who just can't they can't talk to one another so they the Elder mediator or the intergenerational mediator is really good at.
Helping people get back together in terms of their communication
where will mom or dad reside some of the issues are you know the family members see that Mom or Dad or sometimes even an older sibling can no longer live on their own
and you know what are they going to do about it deriving
is a big issue at what point does mum or dad relinquish their drivers license and often that creates a fair amount of conflict as you might imagine medical decisions.
Are very important as well as as is the issue of Advance care planning often a family needs the help of a mediator to assist them in.
Preparing all kinds of plans for their aging parents.
[17:15] Fun with that communication as well Lizabeth you know generally speaking the communication didn't just stop because they're dealing with elder care issues right often,
this is the reason why it's so much more difficult is that families just don't communicate or they've kind of not necessarily been estranged from each other but you know.
[17:35] History happens and things happen so that people.
You know it builds up and so then when they have to get to a point where they have to communicate with each other people forget how to do it when you agree.
[17:47] I really agree with that I think and as you say it's often something from the past that bubbles up to the surface and as you mentioned as well it could very well come to a head with you know what are we going to
what are we going to discuss how are we going to talk about how to help Mom and Dad.
And so you know the often there's a crisis and then people have to talk and that's what.
[18:13] Right unfortunately yeah and I was saying before the break to is that you know we deal with lots of families because we hope people fine retirement living.
But we're dealing in that those issues too and it's all of a sudden they have to talk because someone is a power of attorney and we need to make other decisions and like maybe cognitive issues and all sorts of stuff so we're going to get into some of it today as well,
are there any particular signs or stages that can help families recognize that they may need some professional assistance.
I think that's a really good question and I think number one probably the biggest issue that arises for families as you know where what's happening with Mom or Dad and some of the signs can be.
You know they might have a sizable family home are they able to look after it anymore.
Check out the refrigerator if there's not very much food in the refrigerator it could mean that either mom or dad.
They're not eating very well anymore are they losing weight things like that paying bills,
has something that has the telephone perhaps if they have a landline as the telephone being cut off so at one of the hardest things I think that,
the families have to look at is that issue of living at risk.
Are either mom or dad living at risk I'll give you an example for an example one of the issues that I've had to deal with is the neighbors noticing dad on the roof.
[19:40] Late at night trying to repair some shingles.
And it's very frightening because of course there's the the safety aspects so that's the kind of thing that.
That we often get called in on you know how do we help with that.
Another aspect is walking a lot of people really enjoy walking and sometimes they get lost.
In their own neighborhood so that's a really good sign that there's something going on.
[20:11] A lot of people are that that I've come into contact with and that I coach through it are really worried about overstepping a lot of the children of seniors that were working with.
Are really worried about overstepping offending their parents parenting their parents and.
It's funny because before again was talking to Tanya I was saying I went to say mediation and I said meditation because I was focusing on not saying meditation because they look so similar and they sound so similar,
and I think it's because you know people are focusing on how not to do that and how to you know use kid gloves and things like that but then all of that energy transfers onto the loved one right and then they feel it and then they push back.
Do you you come into those conditions to where people are just really worried about overstepping absolutely and I've liked the way you described it because everybody is sort of stepping so gingerly around the issue,
and so the whole aspect I think about having the impartial third party working with the family is that they're asking questions.
[21:19] And they're listening and they're being very respectful of what the older person
or persons at the heart of the conversation really want and so as you say I liked I liked it when you said coaching because part of the work of the mediator really is to coach,
the members of the family to be able to have a respectful conversation with their with their aging parents and so that's a key part of it I think.
[21:44] Yeah it's been it's a very difficult hurdle to get over after the break we're going to talk about cognitive issues and cognitive decline like you said,
you know the one of the signs may be that there.
Always take a walk but now they can't find their way back right and it's like it's a really really touchy subject but I found since after,
so many more people have cognitive decline now that are that we're working with just in the general public because they were isolated for so long and so now
extra things to add to come up from that but let's talk about that after the break
after we get back Elizabeth and I are going to discuss cognitive decline and often how it often throws in a monkey wrench into the mix so you're watching our fledging with Amy will see you in a couple minutes.
[22:30] Are you watching us on YouTube but would rather listen to us in the car or on a walk no problem artfully aging with Amy is also available as a podcast.
Head over to Artful aging with a me.com for the links.
[22:46] Welcome back I hope you're able to get up and stretch and grab a tea or coffee I've worked with many families who have seen your loved ones who have cognitive decline.
These situations tend to be much harder for families to navigate because the person that they are trying to help often lacks the Insight so they can't.
Understand why they need help and what the person is doing to help them they just usually it's a lack of insight.
So many families who have a loved one in the situation avoid conversations because they are scared of what they may learn or because they don't want an argument.
Elizabeth how can families limit potential conflict over care of their aging loved one do you have any tips for conversations with senior loved ones versus conversations between family members.
Absolutely and I think that once again by avoiding the conversation this can escalate the conflict and so often what we see as mediators is that you know what you don't want to go.
[23:46] That means you should go there lean in lean in and and start talking and the communication I think here is the key and that is that asking a lot of questions,
um listening and listening and listening even more to hear what it is our aging parents want to say to us,
and so that's probably the best tip of getting the conversation started first of all and secondly really listening,
and it's that radical presence that we offer to our aging,
family members that tells them we're listening we want to hear what you have to say and that's important I think.
[24:29] Yeah absolutely and that's one of the like one thing that I've become known for in my career as is that you know when I'm working with a senior and their children
my focus is on the senior it's their life they need to be in control of it yes I know that the child is
hearing what we're saying I know that we're going to have a conversation as well but you know.
[24:52] For someone who's calling it incline I still do the same process right I still make sure that they get out what they need to say because of eventually,
they usually come along or they usually lighten up the conversation and it's not as hard right so
what about conversations between family members do you have any tips because there's a lot of family members that have been estranged a lot of siblings who don't talk to each other
and then they have to come together because they find out that they're both power of attorney or something and they have to make these decisions jointly do you have any tips for those family members.
[25:24] Right that's that and that's that's what often happens isn't it that they need to get together to make a decision about a critical,
critical incident or an event that has occurred that absolutely needs a response and so once again you know I think the key is to be thinking about D escalating
any conflict that might be there and so what we do then tell me tell me about your day tell me about your week tell me what's happening.
Asking these questions that are what we call open ended questions that invite people to.
Express what's going on and that way we can get them talking we could encourage them to talk and then we can ask questions like well how are you managing
with Mom or Dad's issues because I know that you're looking after them and so it taking that extra step of
understanding what our sibling is going through because you know they may be the ones looking after Mom or Dad.
[26:23] And let's say that the the sibling and often what we find in intergenerational mediation.
Is that there is a type of stereotypical response the females the daughters tend to look after the.
Care and the males tend to look after the.
[26:42] And so there again there's a you know that division of labor you might say how do we bring them together.
And how do we help people to have a conversation possibly about caregiver burnout so what's it like.
What's it like when you're there all week with Mom let's say it's a mom what do you need how can I be helpful as opposed to what are you doing.
So again it's all of these things that are good tips I think for family members to be present to really listen and to ask how is it what's it like for you.
Buddy what are you how are you managing I think a lot of a lot of the female caregivers that I talked to have often have.
A sibling afar or and usually it's mail not that it doesn't have to be but generally that's the most of what's happening and they feel like.
They're always trying to do right by their parents and they feel like their sibling is judging them even though maybe or maybe not they hadn't said anything and so I think it's important for the siblings who are not.
The direct caregivers to understand that that their sibling has put a lot on hold has adjusted their whole life.
[27:57] To care for their parents and so just like you said even just having a conversation to stay in the loop
but you know as a sibling who's not caring for someone you lead the conversation you reach out because,
I'm telling you those caregivers that are in the in the caregiving spot they don't have 10 seconds to think about all I should call this person and give them an update I don't want to give anybody updates right and so
I would say you know the people that are not in town are the people that aren't caregivers make the extra effort just to keep up-to-date even if you don't get along,
make the extra effort to understand what's happening with your parent right solutely.
Absolutely and one of the key things that I find to Amy is that asking that question a question you know what do you need how can I be helpful especially if I'm that caregiver I mean that sibling from afar.
And oh I see you need and then ask the question what is your concern if this doesn't work.
So you flip it and find out like what's the worst case scenario if I can't come and relieve you for two weeks.
What's your concern and that way it kind of flushes out other options that the siblings let's say they're only two siblings that they can work on together.
[29:14] For sure well and many seniors I help have a block when it comes to their children assisting them in decisions that they believe that they still can make safely many conversations bring up the fact that the parents don't want to be parented like I was saying so
how can mediation help seniors feel less of a sense of loss without them feeling that all their decision making is irrelevant.
[29:37] I think that's one of the most important things because with mediation I'm sure than 10 you would have talked about,
you know what's at the heart of mediation if it's separation and divorce it's the children.
Who's going to look after the children in terms of Elder mediation or what we're calling intergenerational mediation now at the center of the mediation are the needs of the parents.
Are the needs of the older the older person and so the mediator really needs to be,
upfront with that and helping the siblings the adult children to understand that mom or dad like they're still your mom they're still your dad and they need to have that respect.
To really to be able to make decisions however those decisions might pan out you know.
Yeah for sure I see a lot of adult children try to
mow over their parents more you know for lack of better phrasing that you know just decision made without even having a conversation regardless of cognitive decline or whatnot and I just feel like that's not the way forward right if you want everybody on the same page
open the communication so Elizabeth let's talk more about this after the break you're watching Artful aging with Amy here on Bold Brave TV we will see you in just a couple of minutes.
[30:52] Artful aging with Amy is currently looking for gas and show ideas for our next season drop us a line at hello at Artful aging with a me.com and let us know what you would like to learn about in our upcoming season.
[31:05] Welcome back to Artful aging with Amy Elizabeth is joining us and we're talking about mediation and elder care and Elizabeth I love calling it intergenerational mediation like you are calling it as well I think that that is
is much better it's a much better terminology for it because it's not just the seniors that are mediating right so.
As many of my viewers know I'm all about being proactive and prepared Elizabeth and I were talking on the break basically every one of my guests is as well so I hope nobody's getting too sick of hearing that but I really can't stress it enough,
and I know that Elizabeth also agrees.
There are so many situations happening with our loved ones that if brought to light and discuss could actually be improved or at least the potential damage could be slowed down.
[31:51] Elizabeth even though these conversations are super difficult and no one is faulting that there are super hard conversations whether you're getting along with someone or not or having conversations regularly or not.
They're always difficult so why is it better to have a conversation now instead of
sticking your hand in the sand and hoping things just work out for themselves right the right having those conversations now is just absolutely vital because,
you know as you move as we all move forward in the aging process the last thing our parents,
an older person's want to see is there an adult children fighting in front of them
and so the more the family can have these challenging conversations the more the family can be ready for
what what lies ahead and so I think that it's vital to help our older parents it helps them resolve issues and the peripheral,
resolution of issues is there for the adult children and so that's really interesting I.
And I also think that one really important thing is that.
[33:00] When we do this kind of work as you say Amy of being well prepared,
what it does it teaches the younger generation in the you know extended family how to do this work themselves,
and I think that's I think that's a really important lesson that we as members of an extended family can offer to to younger people and it's very important I think be prepared.
[33:26] And I think that a lot of us who have children or younger as many know that I have a four-year-old.
Everything I do in her life is tried to be make her better prepared than I was I was.
Prepared enough but there's definitely holes so how do I make her better prepared and this is one of the things is teaching people how to have a conversation and not leaving things for crisis,
you and I were talking about.
Driving on the brake I know that you've had a lot of different mediations and conversations around driving can you tell us more about kind of what comes up generally because it was a lot of people that hat you know.
Loser license or in the process or don't want to lose it and there's a lot of talk around it right and that's that's such an important issue especially I think.
Driving is often regarded as a rite of passage isn't it you know never when you were 16 or 18 and you got your license or I remember what it was like when I got mine it was just so special,
and so when we think of our aging parents older persons in the community that's their lifeline,
that's their way to get out of the home out of isolation certainly with with covid the way it was and and get out to see people now as the restrictions are being loosened and so driving.
Having that conversation about driving is essential to the well-being of family members and so I have an example of a client.
[34:53] Who was in a he was unfortunately in a rollover accident and he totaled his car he was in the car alone with his dog,
dog was fine he was fine but the car was totaled as a result of the police investigation that were no problems it just you know mishandled the Curve.
[35:13] He lost his license and so it went to his physician and his Provider by law had to take his license away.
My tip here is if you sense that this is coming it's much better to have the provider
remove the license then for a family member to do it
because it just removes that discussion from the family member so back to my mind sample with the client a former client because he had lost his license.
He was then about four to six months later diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia and so then began the onward demand I want my license back.
I want my license back,
and so it's that sense of loss that is so vital for family members to understand this is a Lifeline that has been lost so good tips.
[36:09] Be creative have a conversation with this with meant this member of the family provide things like tax each its or,
Uber you know a gift of a birthday gift or something give them these things so that they can continue to get out as safely as they possibly can.
[36:28] For sure yeah don't just leave them stranded there and then all they're doing is kind of sitting there and realizing they can't go right the other thing that comes up with the driving aspect is on the other side you know.
If the driving needs to stop because there's a problem fine take care of it but then.
Who is going to do the staff right and so it's also not just taking away the licensing sorry Dad you can't drive anymore.
Right you have to kind of come to him be like,
we can't do this because this is the reason but then here is how we're going to set your life up a little bit more if you agree so that you don't miss out like,
Susan's going to drive you to X and I'm going to do groceries and why you know whatever it is.
And and lay out a plan don't just leave your senior loved one kind of flopping in the wind trying to figure out how everything's going to be done because that's going to be a worry they used to be able just to do this all on our own,
because they had the freedom to come and go and now you're saying they can't have that freedom.
Obviously it's for good reason for whatever reason it is then you know come to them with a plan as opposed to just be like sorry about your luck bright like it make sure that.
[37:38] Yeah and you've hit upon two things I think that are really essential Amy number one is the safety angle for the older person himself or herself,
and also safety of the greater public the last thing a family wants as well as for an accident to occur,
and have someone else hurt a maned whatever and so it's that creativity that makes a difference I think and the plan having that plan in place and it also,
if we can creatively connect an older person with other members of the community.
To drive around how much better is that it's not leaving the person stranded or isolated it's making canoe connections for them to continue to get on with their life.
[38:25] Pressure well Elizabeth our time has come to an end can you tell our audience how they would reach you I know that you have information for us and for Ontario.
Yes thanks for that a me so they could reach me at the Ontario Association for Family Mediation and there's a toll free number 1844.
989.
3 0 to 6 and 4 are your American viewers I would really highly recommend Elder decisions they work out of Norwood Massachusetts and they can be reached at,
736 9008.
[39:06] Terrific well thanks so much for coming on Elizabeth I really appreciate it thank you and me with Amy was just a pleasure thank you very much.
Terrific well after the break I'm going to share my top two situations I encounter with our tea and toast families you don't want to miss it hopefully it will help you as well we'll see you soon.
[39:25] Welcome back
I have a lot of conversations with families and seniors and there are many circumstances that families are dealing with that are similar from one family to another so I thought
that I would be helpful to wrap up our show to share with you two of these types of situations so that you can see that not only you're not alone,
but you also might find that very helpful and might get some tips from them.
So the top family conversations I have with tea and toast family's number one is around cognition.
Not wanting to address the potential diagnosis and wanting everything to stay the same.
[40:01] Situations like this often cause families to grieve the life that they thought that they had or that they wanted for the future.
Most people don't want to let go of that but just because you may have to adjust your future plans does not mean that everything needs to change.
[40:17] Informing yourself early will not only set your loved one up for success but it will allow you to rejig,
plans in a more cognitive friendly manner many people don't address the cognitive issues they wait they wait they wait and it really gets them into a pickle so an example of an alternative that has often.
Have often been a spouse wanting to know the information out of fear so sorry the example is that the spouse doesn't want the information because they're scared of what the information is,
and they want to carry on as they're with their plans as usual
most often that does not end well ends in crisis a lot of the times and it's usually way worse that if they would have just been proactive understood what's going on and address it.
Some of our clients have experienced these crisis while traveling as well and that added stress of getting their spouse home really does a number so
don't underestimate the stress that will be on your shoulders if you're not being proactive it's not just a matter of my spouse,
might have dementia I don't want to know but I don't want to be proactive the longer that you sit with it the more stress it will add to your own life so keep that in mind.
The second conversation one other situation that we happen that happens quite a lot is a senior who requires more care and attention than can be provided in the home but they're refusing to make a move to another setting.
[41:42] This happens for a number of reasons and it's very difficult on their caregivers even when they don't think that they need someone to care for them.
These situations in particular are really need some extra systems from a professional
oftentimes I can say something that a family is also saying but I say it's slightly different which opens up a whole dialogue and unsticks the process so you know having a professional come in and say similar but it's coming from a pervert
something point of view often family is just too close and that's one of the reasons to bring in a professional as well as many other we were to listen today
so I hope that you found this week's show helpful and that you will make efforts in your life to put things in place now instead of dealing with it in a crisis.
On next week's show my guess Tara and I will discuss mild facial release what it is and how it can help you don't want to miss it.
If you've enjoyed Today's Show please take a minute and share our show and like it so other families can find our material and you can be helping our whole community.
Thanks so much for joining us on Artful aging with Amy from me to all of you I hope that you have a wonderful Wednesday.
[42:54] You've been listening to Artful aging with host FEMA.
Many folks just like you feel they're alone in their journey and helping a loved one or caregiver.
So tune in each week and let a me show you that help is around the corner and it's just one conversation away here on Artful Aging with Amy
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